The Ghost Of Doug Henning

To quote my own FB status earlier today, "Damn you ghost of Doug Henning! *shakes fist at the air* Where did you put all the effing TEASPOONS?"

I'm Googling how to rid my home of malicious hippie magician postergeists as we speak. All I wanted was to eat a friggin blueberry yogurt, preferably not with a soup ladle or spatula. I KNOW that we own a minimum of 12 teaspoons; where the fuck are they? There are like THREE in the dishwasher and none in the drawer!

Doug is always up to something at our house. If he isn't hiding it, he's breaking it. Obviously, it cannot be my children. The glassy, deer-in-headlights looks when asked what happened or where something is and customary "I dunno..." is all I need to know that they're being completely honest. Right?

The spoons are the latest in a series of things missing from the kitchen. Doug must be getting his ghostly rocks off messing with my meal plans.

Very recently, Mr. Dead-Goddamn-Henning magicked away soup bowls into the ether. Three large, red bowls vanished for several days. I looked in every room...multiple times...to no avail. I even checked the laundry room; you'd be surprised at how many times spirits hide things there. Did I perform the open cupboard door, check, close cupboard door, re-open and check again routine, just to see if Doug was mocking me? Oh yes; yes I did.

Not locating the missing dishware on my own, I donned my trenchcoat, squinched one eye up and adopted my best Columbo to question the children.

"Have you seen three red soup bowls?"
"No."
"No."
"No. Dad, we haven't seen those in aaaaaaaaages."
(Which is rather interesting, since I had hand-washed them the evening prior to their disappearance.)

But, as we are all aware, kidlings never tell falsehoods, so I resigned myself, angrily and over several Yuengling lagers, that the bowls were lost forever.

That crafty Doug though...performing feats of prestidigitation from beyond the grave...deposited them on an end table in the family room the following morning, whereupon, my ever-alert daughter discovered them.

He has yet to return about ten drinking glasses and I am breaking out the Ouija board to entreat him to send a clean spoon my way for yogurt and ice cream consumption.

How he's managed to break the Xbox DVD drive several times, I still can't wrap my head around. He seemed so passive and peaceful in life; why the Hell is he trying to play Mafia Wars 2 with the game disc upside down, anyway?

It's MAAAAAAAAAAGICCCCCCCCCCCC!